Fatherly guilt

Anna's back in the hospital again. Check out http://annamarietrinko.blogspot.com for the latest updates on that.

She went in there Tuesday, so it's the second night of having Jessica and Anna at the hospital and me at home with the two older girls. I'm starting to feel a lot of guilt that I want to be anywhere but where I am.

When I'm at home with the older girls, it's for the not-so-pleasant times of the day, namely the beginning and end of it. The morning routine is seldom fun. The nighttime routine can be exhausting between baths and kids who don't want to sleep.

When I'm at the hospital with Anna, I'm reminded that 5 months old isn't my ideal age for a kid, especially a sick one. I do better when I can laugh and play with a child, not try to rock her when she's been screaming for an hour.

So the guilt will hit a new level tomorrow. I'm going back to work for about five hours each day. I'm sure it's selfish, but I've convinced myself I'm better at the hospital and at home if I have some time each day not devoted to worrying about the kids. It's the same reason I think I'm a better father working than I ever would be as a stay-at-home dad: That distraction in the middle of the day keeps me fresh.

Hopefully it's the right choice. I did the same thing when Anna was first born after we got through the first couple of rough days. I haven't felt much guilt about that. I'm sure there will be people who don't understand how you can leave your sick baby in the hospital and not be there with her. I probably would be among them generally. I suppose one can only spend so many hours feeling helpless in a hospital room, wrenching your neck, your back and your emotions before you give up on it.