Ice Classic 2005!

I looked out on the ice and leaned to the guy next to me, saying, "I won't tell anyone you were here if you don't tell anyone I was here."

That's the short version of how I'd describe Ice Classic 2005, a skating show I witnessed Friday with people I know who I won't identify because of the above-stated agreement. (I'm backdating this entry.) The theme of this was "On the Town," where they pretended to go to different venues in a city that must not have been Findlay, given the salsa club, ballet and the paparazi they described.

There are many things that would probably be cool if you bring your children. This would probably be one of them. Like many uncommon experiences, it was interesting for about an hour. As someone who can't even roller skate without planting myself into a tree, you must marvel at the grace of young people who can do so many incredible things.

I'm not a parent, though, and before long I turned into that annoying guy who makes wisecracks about everything I see.

Two things were genuinely entertaining: They had this professional guy who realized ice skating could be funny. So he dressed up like Cartman from South Park and sang along as Cartman performed "Sailing." Hilarious. Later in the show, he did a pretty amusing routine based on Richard Simmons' "Sweating to the Oldies." Also amusing.

There are other things that were funny that probably weren't to those involved. Kids falling on the ice shouldn't be hilarious. I'll submit this, though: If you're going to charge me $8 to show off how well you can stay upright, I reserve the right to laugh when you can't.

The greatest of these mishaps came during the ballet portion, when they performed an abbreviated "Sleeping Beauty." The king and queen laid Sleeping Beauty to rest on a bench near the curtain. A little later, the girl playing the fairy tried skating backwards toward the exit, falling over the bench and the beauty. They quickly moved the bench and Sleeping Beauty about three feet to the side so it wouldn't happen again.

I like to find morals to the story in any life situation, so here's the one I discovered: Be sure to look where you're going. You never know when there might be a princess under a sleeping spell near the exit.