State of the Man Address

My fellow Americans, we live in a nation of unparalleled liberties. American men today have more options to act like men than in any generation to this point.

I'd like to take this moment to recognize men like David Trinko, of Ottawa, Ohio. On this very evening, he redefined the term "multitasking" for all men everywhere. While sitting on his couch and gnawing on the hard end of a summer sausage, he flipped back and forth between the State of the Union Address and the basketball games on ESPN every time a standing ovation began.

He understood the world sometimes must laugh at itself. During a touching moment in which an Iraqi woman hugged the mother of a slain Marine, he noticed the dogtags of the deceaded freedom-fighter. He thought to himself, "She'd better be careful not to get that caught on the Iraqi woman." Sure enough, once the embrace ended, the two were still united, with that dogtag literally bonding them together.

He also thought about how mocking the State of the Union Address could be fun in everyday life. Tomorrow he'll join his coworkers at a meeting in the newspaper's newsroom. He intends to incite his coworkers to stand up to interrupt the editor's speech occasionally.

It's with great pride that I present to you the State of the Man Address for 2005. May man continue to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of a significant other.